Sitting Quietly

“My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” – Psalm 73:26

It has been quite some time since I have sat and written. Time has been a restless pursuer and I have not taken it to be still and remember the altars the Lord has given me in my walk with Him. So here I am, in my own haphazard way.

Much has changed since I remember sitting down to write these thoughts. I have had plenty a good meal since the last. I have grown older, my back hurts a bit more than it used too…I have picked up new habits, both good, and not so good for me. I’ve explored many different worlds found in novels, imagination, and song.

Much about me is still the same. I still yearn for distraction from the hard things in life. I eat too much processed foods. I lack patience and the grace to allow growth. I am always a child of the most high King, and a sinner.

In this mountaintops and valleys season of life, my thoughts have often wandered, looking for hope. Hope that the story is not complete and that things will change. Hope that I will change and grow: to be a better friend, a more loving husband, a soft spoken word of kindness, rather than gossip. Hope that when Christ died, He died for all of me, not just the “prettier” parts.

Meditation has often returned me to this verse. I have found it odd that the writer uses the word “may”, instead of “will”, because it has never been a doubt that I am not strong enough to carry the burdens of the world on my own. The sadness, the shame, the joy, the praise, are all stained with sin. It is Christ who not only has the strength of my heart, but holds it. He sits with me, when my flesh fails and my heart is broken. He dances with me, when my soul is overflowing and my body rejoices.

In my flesh failing and my heart hardening, the hands that made me, I nailed to the tree. Yet He left heaven’s gates to come find me. To dance with me. To hold me. To sit with me, quietly and beyond all things, to love me.

This is hope: that Christ died for all, so that we may continually reconcile: with Him, with others, and with ourselves. Over death, He reigns. It is finished. Christ is Risen.

“You sat on the rooftop
and You looked over heaven’s gates
You came and sold it all
just to have me.”- John Mark Pantana

Time=?

My first job I worked, was at St. Louis Bread Co.(or Panera if you want to call it the wrong name). I got paid $9.25 an hour which I thought was pretty good. I don’t know about you, but that meant whenever I spent money, I tended to calculate how much that would mean I would have to work. For instance, if I spent $12 on a meal, I would see it as having to work about an hour and a half to pay for it. That’s how I valued my time, or I guess my money as well. $300 on Legos?…you get the point.

When serving for example, I serve because I find the joy in helping others and because I feel called to serve as a Christian, to steward your gifts to help others in love. That is worth more than most price tags for my time, because the value that I find in that, is worth more than getting paid, even if I don’t enjoy it all of the time. But if I am honest, there is a price level that would change my priorities too. My heart definitely finds itself fueled on greed at some points. I would probably take a job that paid $50/hr instead of serving for that time period. Unfortunately, I think we all tend to have a price tag.

Now, I find myself having the same principle and thought process when I get paid more or less, or even not monetarily. How am I valuing my time? Is the joy that I receive from investing my time into whatever I am doing, worth it? Where is my heart when I am serving or working?

Well, what if you only had one day left? I would like to think that if I had a day left, I would spend the whole 24 hours doing things I loved. I’d go to my favorite restaurants, spend time with my family and friends, probably try some crazy new things to check them off my bucket list and make the most out of my time. I’d stay up all day. How much would an hour of my time cost me on the last day of my life? I don’t know, probably some ridiculous amount if not priceless. You definitely won’t see me at Bread Co. making $9.25 an hour on my last day. Each second would be priceless.

Jesus knew that He had one day left, and He chose to wash feet.

“Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. 2 During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him, 3 Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, 4 rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. 5 Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him.“– John 13:1-5

We are not perfect by any means, and the Bible clearly states that we are a chosen race, not a choice race. We, broken and worn sinners, who intentionally wander from God, are not the top pick, in fact we are the last. Our value is nonexistent without the reckless love of God. But Jesus, values us enough to spend time on His last day, serving us, by washing our feet, and eventually making the ultimate sacrifice on the cross. We are the cause of His death. I am part of the crowd that yells for Barabbas and to crucify Him and yet…while Jesus knows that I am the reason that it is His last day, He still serves me, He still loves me, He still dies for me, because He loves me.

Unconditional, unbreakable, reckless Love.

There is no logical, emotional, spiritual reason or obligation for Him to do anything for us. We are the ones that turned our backs on Him and ran far away, but God. But God, the most powerful phrase. But God is chasing after us because He loves us because He loves us. Nothing else.

There is a type of freedom in knowing that we are not enough, albeit that is most of our core fears, but knowing that we are not enough and yet someone who fully knows how we are insufficient, and still truly loves us, is well…like being loved by God(Keller).

God doesn’t love you any less through your failures, nor anymore through your successes. He loves you because He loves you, for YOU are a treasured possession.

So I must and can love because He first loved me. If God can know everything about me and still love me, then I surely can love anyone, for I am the worst sinner I know.

Do you value your time enough to give some to yourself?

Do you value God enough to spend your time loving others?

How do your priorities shift if you only had a day left? Are they what you want them to be?

But I’d be dancin’ like a fool
I’d be laughin’, I’d be cryin’
Callin’ everbody I’d ever hurt and reconcilin’
I’d call everyone I loved
Say what I was scared to say till then
Now that I think about it
Maybe I should always live like the world is gonna end

“Like the World Is Going To End”- Ben Rector

Gentle Thoughts for an April Shower

I wanted to write this gloomy morning, so here are some things that have been getting some attention in my life.

A lesson I learned last semester is that there can only be two things that come from comparison; self righteousness or feeling insufficient. Progress is never linear, as much as we would like to think it is. Some days you will find yourself taking steps back, but sometimes you need to be at your knees in order to pray. It is so easy to compare to others and wish that we were better in different aspects, or feel self righteous at being “ahead” of others, but are we really ahead if all of this is dust in the end? Does winning the rat race make you any less of a rat?

Kindness. “We often wait for kindness, but being kind to yourself can start now…Nothing beats kindness, it sits quietly beyond all things” (Charlie Mackesy). A gentle reminder that it is okay to trip on the sidewalk, to make mistakes, to not know things. It’s part of what makes life, living. Show yourself grace, and remember that when Jesus died for others, He also died for you.

Don’t be afraid to take pictures. I’d rather be able to delete them, than wish I had them.

Cherishing the moment looks different for everyone. Some may find the joy in taking pictures, or others putting their phone down to take it all in, some with words of appreciation and wonder, others even with silence and a soft smile. It’s different for everyone, but that’s what makes it beautiful. If we all had the same favorite color, everything being blue would be pretty boring.

It’s okay not to be okay.

It is good to know our days are numbered so that we can cherish each day, have the courage to take the risk, and to remember to take our faith seriously, but sometimes, it’s good to not know that either, so there’s no pressure to make the most out of each day. I think that’s why I am so bad at being still and resting. Even when asked, “How much money is enough?”, Rockefeller said, “just a little bit more.”

Chocolate is the 6th love language. It really does fix everything.

Taking a day to rest is often better for your body than pushing through. You can’t give it your all, if you have nothing left to give. It’s so easy to feel lazy and unproductive when we “rest” (if we even know what rest is anymore), but even God rested on the 7th day, just to set an example for us.

Home isn’t always a place. Home is where you feel peace, joy, and being known and loved, among so many other things. For me, home is in St. Louis, but I have also found home in the spontaneous car rides, playing checkers using the tile in the kitchen, fixing car problems, cooking, looking for lost phones in thunderstorms, falling out of hammocks, allergies because it means spring is coming, walks with old friends, and so much more. My garden is in full bloom, beautiful in every way. Sometimes it needs to rain in order for it to grow.

Every Moment Holy

Life is busy. It always has been, nothing has really changed. It always will be too, but is it busy with the right things? That may be another topic entirely, but the busyness is still hard. Yet is is incredibly more important to make time for God when it is hard.

Time for and with God can look like many different things. The consistent time in His Word and memorizing scripture is a great spiritual discipline, as well as praying unceasingly. While some of these things may be hard to start or already practices, there are still things that are looked over in everyday lives that I personally look over, as I’m sure everyone else does too.

I read something recently that said, “You are living in an unanswered prayer.” This made me think of all the things I pray about, the things in which make me anxious, the ways I want to grow, and maybe…just maybe the ways I need to grow.

This semester the common theme of my prayers has been to learn to trust God more. While life is a hurricane, to be an unshakable tree, rooted in Christ alone. Being human, I place my identities in other things, my anxieties spike, and my tree is quite malleable. What does it mean to live in an unanswered prayer?

It means to find every moment Holy; to find God in the everyday things, both good and bad, because He knows what you need.

If you had God’s power, you would change a lot of things. If you had His wisdom, you wouldn’t change a thing. Everything that happens, all the good and bad things found in the busyness of life. That is all for you. That is for you to learn to trust God, to find Him in all things, and to make every moment Holy. Recently, I was gently reminded by a close friend, “Remember the joy in suffering”(Romans 5).

I see God in the anxiety. In the long hard days, where rest is nowhere to be found because your mind is your own prison and the key is in your hand. I see God in the hours inside my own head, overthinking about the worst possible cases, and playing countless hours of “what if” to see if I am enough. I see God in the restless nights, where comfort and peace left long ago and let doubt and insecurity in on their way out.

I see God in the tension of relationships and friendships. The tension that takes time and patience, which as a “fix it now” person, is the hardest thing ever. I see God in the growth, both in the unseen growing of roots, and the visible bearing of fruit. Growing in hard, but necessary. I see God in the nights of rebuke, forgiveness, repentance, and grace, both in relation to others, and especially myself.

I see God in the health issues; both big and small. The inexplicable nature, the uncertainty, and the loss of control. I see God in the sadness, where the ship is sinking, but Paul still says, “God has granted you all [safety to] those who sail with you”(Acts 22). I see God when He brings me to my knees, back on my knees to depend on Him.

I see God in the waiting. Trust is built not over one experience, but a multitude of consistent opportunities. This is hard, to let trust take its time, after many untrustworthy experiences. I see God in the progress, where its purpose is to release us from the pressures of perfection. I see God in the met and unmet expectations, both for us and for others.

I see God in the insecurities; no matter where they came from, how old or new, how much hurt they bring. All of them. “Every time a man knocks on a brothel door, he is really knocking for God”(Chesterton). I see God in the vain search for security in anything but Him. Sometimes, finding what you need takes many times finding what you don’t need.

This is just one way I have found to make every moment holy; cherishing the small things and acknowledging that what I prayed for(growth and trust in God) may look like going through anxieties, insecurities, and waiting. We are living in our unanswered prayers. Just because I can list some hardships and how I see God through them by no means illustrate my consistent trust in God. That would be naive. If only faith worked like a light switch. Personally, it is far from consistent trust, but understanding that God works through the hardship for my good is a start.

Of course, it is much easier to find God in the good and happy times, but the measurement of a person does not come during comfortability and security, but when they are faced with trials and adversity.

Remember the joys in suffering. Remember that you are His and nothing can separate you from His reckless love. Remember to breathe, life is tough, but being tough on yourself doesn’t make it any better.

Where do you see God?

How can you make every moment Holy?

Are you living in an unanswered prayer?

I can feel the memories again
In this field of foreign oxygen
I’m awake without the medicine
I forgot the joy of suffering
I’d lose it all to find you now
Find you now, find you now
Life is loud
All around
Sight and sound
Lost and found
Cross and crown

-“Oxygen”(Kings Kaleidoscope)

The Beauty in Between

There will always be good days, bad days, and the beauty in between. Depending on who you are, you can either be focused on the cleanliness and whiteness of the canvas, or for others, the small(or big) red splotches, or for some others, you can just be grateful that you have a canvas at all. Nonetheless our lives are a consistent, fluid, living mosaic of the memories and people we hold dear. The beauty in between. A kaleidoscope.

I watched the movie “Soul” the other day, which is always a good reminder of the aforementioned ladder perspective; that sometimes we should be grateful to have a canvas at all. While there are things that may be stressful, anxiety-inducing, and heartbreaking, there is joy in suffering. While there are things that may be full of joy, soul-filling, and lifegiving, our souls sing forevermore. Living is not merely just a highlight reel of memories where we can find purpose and joy, but a gift.

I know it is easy to get caught up in the small things from yourself or others: the miscommunications, unmet expectations, disappointments, frustrations, selfishness, and anything else that comes to your mind, but…it’s vapor. If we are merely a mist that vanishes at dawn, then what are the things in which we mindlessly hold on to?

A side note; I write not as someone who is well disciplined in these aspects, but as someone who is struggling through these. God is good and the purpose of progress is to release us from the pressures of perfection.

While there are many scriptures that have been flowing through my mind and could be tied to this, this stands out in particular.

“Yes, and I will rejoice,  for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death.” –Philippians 1:18-20

Our days are numbered, whether you like it or not, it is just simply out of our control. What is in our control is attitude and perspective. Life is too short to get caught up on the small things that distract us from the blessing and gift of waking up each and everyday. All that we have is given to us by God, and our job to be good stewards and glorify Him through it all. If the Lord does not raise this house, then the laborers labor in vain.

No matter the pain, the suffering, the lows, or even the highs, the joys, the things that make us smile, everything should be used to honor Christ, for we are not our own. If we truly believe in the sovereignty of God then we believe that His grace has no limits, that on our best days we are never beyond the need of His grace, and on our worst days never beyond the reach of His grace(Jerry Bridges).

Living for Christ is not just the highlight reel of when we go to worship nights, read our Bibles, or spreading the Good news; the whiteness of the canvas. Dying for Christ is not just preserving through the pain for His glory, casting away our flesh, or giving everything up to Him; the red blotches on the canvas. Living and dying for Christ is taking each and every second given to us, and thanking God for it, appreciating the blessing that it is to have a canvas.

There are many things that make us live rather than just exist, and it’s hard for me to name them sometimes, but at least I am awake to write this, so that is something. I mentioned earlier that life is a beautiful mosaic of memories, peoples, and feelings, so I wanted to take some time to share what I have been grateful for that God has given me, in hopes to glorify Him.

I am blessed to some days wake up anxious, to be on my knees in prayer because there is the joy in suffering, and I have found peace in the wings of the Father.

I am blessed to have my housemates, surrounding me in Christian brotherhood, iron sharpening iron.

I am blessed to have friends who keep me accountable, to have the hard conversations, go on late night drives, take pictures, and let me vent among other things.

I am blessed with Hunter and Spencer, keeping me accountable in my pursuit of God, reading with me every morning, going on late night drives, being a listening ear when I feel unheard, and being brothers in every step of the way.

I am blessed to be stressed, to have things that mean enough to me to be annoyed and frustrated.

I am blessed with Jack and Isabella, who are always there just a phones call away, who know me better than I know myself sometimes, who are safe places to talk about anything, and always excited to catch up.

I am blessed with mentors, all willing to catch up and invest in me no matter the cost, even with no return some of the time.

I am blessed with my parents who love me no matter what, giving validation and love I didn’t know I needed, loving me in ways I didn’t know were possible, giving me examples and wisdom to be the man God desires me to be.

I am blessed to know God, who is yet a shoreline to the wandering ship, and the ship to a complacent shoreline.

I am blessed to have everything in between. The things in between joy and sorrow. I am blessed to have the mundane days and days full of life, because life is beautiful.

Life is a movie, but the beautiful part about it is that you can’t watch it again. We know there’s a happy end to it all. Sure, life is about the journey and the destination, but it’s also about the company; the small daily moments we take for granted, the people and memories that make up the mosaic of everyday life. All for the King.

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”- 1 Peter 5:10

“When the sky is falling, when life is a dream
I fortunately fall into the beauty between
Only God above me, painting my scene
I fortunately fall into the beauty between“-Kings Kaleidoscope

Weightlifting Showcase

When I said I wanted to be strong,
I tried lifting weights,
I started eating better,
I ran every morning.

When I couldn’t get stronger,
When I fell,
When I felt weak,
heartbroken, unlovable, insufficient,
unconditional love was still ever present

through her.

Mom.

To the mother who is
Kind yet firm,
Gentle, yet strong
Loving, and disciplines

To the mother,
who works her fingers to the bones,
long hours, so time can be memorable for others.
who brushes aside the harshness of her children,
who gives up her last bite,
who perseveres through blood, sweat, tears, with joy.
with kindness.
with hope.
with love.

All in the name of Love.
For those other than herself.

To the mother,
who lays down her life,
who makes every sacrifice,
no matter the cost.

To the mother,
who wipes away tears,
to put on a smile,
so the disease of worry does not spread.

You have not gone unnoticed.

You are strong.
You are strength.

You have not gone unnoticed.

You are who I wanted to be,
When I said I wanted to be strong,

because strength is found in love,

in Love.

Strength that can lift any weight,
no matter the burden.

You are who I want to be,
When I say I want to be strong.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”-1 John 4:18

Hello. I realize that it has been quite some time since I have had the heart or time to write. Poetry has become a huge part of my life in the past few years and I have become quite fond of the illustrious characteristics in which words can shape silence, much like music. I wanted to take some time to paint the picture of strength in whom my own mother personifies perfectly.

Strength is not found in the gym, or full of big achievements or any sort of identity filler that society, or Satan(especially the father of lies), whispers in your ear. Strength is found in dependence. Dependence on God. God is Love. So thank you, mom, for showing the sermon, rather than just merely preaching from the pulpit as others often do. Thank you for believing in me more than I ever did in myself. You testify true strength.

“This storm is real, and our fear is real,” said the Horse, “but our Love is also real, and in the end, Love wins.“

Pick It Up Pt. 2

I wrote on this passage a couple months ago with a different meaning and perspective. Hopefully, this does not come as a secondary thought, but an addition to the meaning of a leap of faith.

This past school year, I went through the book of Exodus with my campus ministry, CCF, in which something that stood out to me was the recognition of miracles in the wilderness. Whether it be the everyday manna that God places in our lives or Moses stopping and not noticing that a bush was burning, but that the bush was not being consumed. These are the things that are often overlooked, but as C.S. Lewis writes, “A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you”, or miracles from above either.

I spent this past week and a half at staff training in anticipation to spend some time serving kids at Kanakuk K-West. It was something I felt anxious about, having this weight at the bottom of my heart that I should be somewhere else, but did God help my unbelief.

Staff training consisted of immediate community, a spiritual high, and an environment full of love and encouragement. It was a great experience, being surrounded by Christians who are there because they have seen the impact of the camp in kids’ lives, they have experienced the other side of the gospel in camp, or there because it’s something new and exciting. Nonetheless, we were all there by choice, for the King.

This in itself is something remarkable, but still something I found myself looking over. Back to manna. Everyday there is always something that we can be thankful for, something God places in our lives. A good friend taught me this semester that if you look hard enough at something, you’ll find something. Even in a gross color, you’d find something beautiful. In a very similar way, God can redeem anything, make anything glorious.

This brings me to a passage I was introduced to couple years ago on a mission trip to Malawi, Africa.

Now the sons of the prophets said to Elisha, “See, the place where we dwell under your charge is too small for us. Let us go to the Jordan and each of us get there a log, and let us make a place for us to dwell there.” And he answered, “Go.” Then one of them said, “Be pleased to go with your servants.” And he answered, “I will go.” So he went with them. And when they came to the Jordan, they cut down trees. But as one was felling a log, his axe head fell into the water, and he cried out, “Alas, my master! It was borrowed.” Then the man of God said, “Where did it fall?” When he showed him the place, he cut off a stick and threw it in there and made the iron float. And he said, “Take it up.” So he reached out his hand and took it.- 2 Kings 6:1-7

There is much more to faith than to stand by and watch the goodness of God surround you. You must take the leap of faith and pick it up, and make it your own. This world is full of bystanders, the ones who don’t look up, but if you do, you will see glory; especially in the places where you don’t expect it.

What has been sticking out to me as this passage repeats itself in the back of my mind, is “take it up”. Reach out and take it. There was a miracle performed by God, something so radical and amazing like making a dense, heavy axe head float. It doesn’t even have to be as blatant and obvious as that to see God is doing miracles and blessing us every day in our lives. You woke up this morning and are reading this, is that not a blessing in itself? What is preventing us from reaching out and picking up all the manna that God has provided for us??

It took me so long to realize some of the manna God is giving me. Whether it be waking up in the morning, or having a great cabin family to draw closer to, or being shown grace after snapping at a friend, or being accepted, or having a good breakfast, or having friends to miss, or even feeling pain, sadness, sorrow. Some people can’t even feel that anymore. Pain is a reminder that Christ is coming, that there is a need for unconditional, reckless love. Another piece of manna is being a blessing as well. I was told, “we are blessed to be a blessing.” The list goes on and on.

So look up! Look up from whatever is chaining and enslaving you to look down at all cost, with no glimpse of what is above. We are enslaved to this world and everything it gives us. When things are comfortable or all feels lost, take a step back to look up.

Manna is right in front of us, even if it takes a long time to find it, if you look long enough, you’ll find something. I promise. God is with us in our wandering in the wilderness. All we need to do is to reach out and pick it up. It takes eyes to see God’s goodness, but it takes faith to pick it up. Our job is to be faithful, and God’s job is to be sovereign.

What is stopping you from looking up?

What are some of the everyday manna you are looking over?

What is preventing you from reaching out and picking it up?

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently. ~Calvin and Hobbes [960*720] : QuotesPorn

Potting Soil

It has been a year since the pandemic started, which still blows my mind. All of this that we thought wouldn’t last forever, has been something in which we have had to act comfortable.

Comfortable. What a unique way to describe the state that we are currently. It’s something that we all idolize, and something I never thought we would really achieve, and I still don’t think so, or I still hope we don’t. Let me elaborate.

For the past few months, I have been anxious, of what, I did not realize until couple weeks ago. I have become comfortable, or at least felt the need to look comfortable in this pandemic. Society has created a standard that life should kept in check, that you need to have it all together, and the pandemic was the great rude awakening that we can’t control life (much like how we try to control God, but I’ll get to that, don’t you worry!). When the pandemic hit, life became uncharted territory for everyone. We all had to show what life was like without the rat race to keep us from boredom, our friends to keep us from loneliness, and every other distraction to keep us from ourselves. But, I guess we were all in the same boat at the same time, so no one really was concerned about any true colors showing as long as everyone broke a little of their facade.

So where are we now? What has changed besides life going on per usual, except with masks and 6 feet apart? Not much, except our comfortability had to adapt to our new environment.

Comfortability is good in itself, to be restful and free from stress and anxiety, but where humans come to a fault is when we idolize comfortability. I’m not saying it is unhealthy to want financial comfortability or things like that, but to idolize it when there is no more “good enough” is when we try to take control of the gifts God has given us.

Recently I have been reading the book of Job, and something that has stood out to me is this verse in the first chapter.

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.- Job 1:20-22

We think we have life in our hands, but what do we do when we have it taken away? We complain, we blame everything else, sometimes even God. We fail to grasp this opportunity of our “comfortability” to be taken away, to use it to grow, push our limits of making limited interactions intentional, or seeking the welfare of our towns and cities, or actually have the time to ourselves that we said we didn’t have, to give to quiet time with God.

Think of us like houseplants, each one growing in different places, or timeframes. Some need more sun or water than others, but nonetheless need to experience growth. Some of us need longer to grow, and grow in different ways. We should not measure by who grows the quickest but merely who is growing.

Sometimes we need to be repotted with new soil, granting us the nutrients and space we were lacking, but what happens to us when we outgrow the pot we are in? What good is soil when there is nothing to grow, or no willingness to? We need to move to a bigger pot, change our surroundings. We need to become uncomfortable.

The future is scary yes, but it is something that is inevitable, much like change itself. It is always “what is God’s plan for me” and not “what is my plan for God.” I know I tend to be anxious about the future quite a bit, but that does not help the present at all. Live where your feet are, and as God says, tomorrow has enough to worry about.

Job had everything. He was probably one of the most comfortable people, always praising God in everything, and even though he seemed perfect and had it all together, he didn’t. Even when it seemed like he was content having everything taken away, eventually he wasn’t. Eventually he broke, and that is where He grew. Although Job did lean on God for most of his journey, he did start to doubt God and that is where God created growth within Job.

Now that we have become “comfortable” in our own 6-feet-apart and zoom-everything world, we need to find places to grow, to be vulnerable, to show ourselves that we are still human. Personally, I have felt tired of putting up this facade that I’m okay and thriving in this pandemic world, because I’m really not. My anxiety has increased and inversely, my motivation has plummeted. The option to not be able to go out or hang out with big groups has limited the options to keep myself busy or recharging my extrovert-powered batteries. I miss big worship nights where you can feel God singing with you. I miss a lot of things. This sucks, it really does, but it is an opportunity for us to grow.

Repotting plants is always messy, ask anyone who has done it. Dirt gets everywhere, maybe your pet tries to “help” or eat the plants. It’s awkward, but it needs to be done for the well-being of the plant. Even though it is hard and messy, it is much needed. If we become stagnant in our lives, then we cannot expect to progress in anything. Much needed are the nutrients given to us by the new soil when we become uncomfortable. There is where we can grow.

In what aspects have you become standstill in life?

Where have you felt most uncomfortable?

Where have you seen growth in the past year?

And when weight of this journey takes its toll
You are the joy that moves me beyond control
I have a confidence deep inside my soul

“Most of it”- Kings Kaleidoscope

The Tempest

The past few weeks have been very hectic as I am sure is the same for most of you as well. Life gets busy with whatever we choose to fill in the empty spaces of our time. People come and go, school and work catch up to us even if we thought we were already behind enough. Sometimes the glass castles we have built ourselves tend to be more transparent than we would have hoped, and as time goes on, the walls begin to crack. For others, the once thought of being an open book seems harder to be read than expected.

As it should be, life is unpredictable because if life was predictable it really wouldn’t be exciting. “I guess if I knew tomorrow, I really wouldn’t need faith” (Jon Bellion). It is full of things that catch us off guard in both good and bad ways. There is always something chasing us, and I would like to think if I had all the time in the world I would be still and know God is who He will be, but I know deep down I would be searching for the next thing to keep me busy. Sometimes we are so used to being busy and life being unpredictable that it becomes comfortable, and being still and knowing God becomes the uncomfortable thing. Funny how that works because growth only results from being uncomfortable.

“I will be who I will be” (Exodus 3:14)

This has been ringing in my heart as the past weeks have been rushing by. God will be who He will be. As a Christian I am always told that God has a plan for me, but being the prideful being I am, the reality of my heart is asking what is my plan for God instead and I think that is true for all of us. If you don’t think so, then why do we get heartbroken or frustrated when things don’t go our way? Is it because we are just disappointed with the reality of this broken world or is it because God didn’t fulfill our broken expectations of who “He is supposed to be”? If we had God’s eyes, would we still want the things that we want?

The same thing can be said with anxiety. Our society is driven on being busy, being anxious and worried about the next thing. It has gotten to the point where all of us have become addicts to being rats in the finite race of life. Where is our trust in God during our day? That the day will be what God wants it to be.

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?- Matthew 6:25-27

What is the point of being anxious when it can not result in anything fruitful? It is easier said than done to not be anxious, but when thought about, what can your anxiety bring you? God provides, He always has. If you look back on your life and journey with God by your side, you can see the “tower of stones” in which the glory of God bleeds through your story. Everytime God helped the Israelites, He told them to build a tower of stones to remember His covenant and what God did for them in their time of need. We need to reflect on our “tower of stones” as testaments of God’s faithfulness. Even through the winds and waves of our tempest, there is a reason we go through them.

As hard of a pill it is to swallow, everything is for our benefit. There is joy in suffering and everything that happens, we have to accept and be submissive because it is part of God’s plan for us, even when it doesn’t work for our plan for God. An example that has been floating around is being quarantined for 2 weeks. Life is busy enough, but I can not imagine having to stop everything for 2 weeks and become isolated. I understand the social benefits and would do it if I had to but that is one of those things that would be good for me, but I would be frustrated because I feel like I can’t stop everything because the busyness of life is too important. We are at war for control and every sinful part of us fights for that idea that we actual have a say in what happens in our life.

Life is a roaring tempest with only God to calm the seas. God will be who He will be. That is just a fact we have to accept. Part of every relationship is trust, and if we trust God to be who He says He is, then we must trust in His plan for us. I wrote about Peter walking out on water a couple months ago, in which I emphasized the importance of trusting God enough to walk into the deep waters for Him. God wants us to trust Him through everything and even if life is complicated and unable to navigate, we will get through it because even if we don’t see God, He is there. He is there in ways we don’t see because God will be who He will be, not always what we want Him to be. We are merely a vessel sinking in His ocean of grace.

Who am I to say that I can tell God what He is or merely limit Him to constructs of my imagination or words. Some things are simply too beautiful to comprehend. The Grand Canyon is one of the most beautiful things in the world. So many words can be used to describe it, but none will do it justice. It is one of those things you have to see for yourself. Similarly, the same could be said about people or experiences; how they make you feel. You can always describe how someone awesome makes you feel, but often the conversation ends with, “you just have to meet them.”

“Come see a man who has seen me to my bottom, yet loved me through the skies” (Tim Keller). Come taste and smell the aroma of glory. The aroma of omnipotence and love. The aroma of justice and peace. The aroma of truth and grace. Where we can be still, free from the weights of this world. Where we know that we are fully known and truly loved. This is the aroma of God.

What are you anxious about today?

What are some of your “tower of stones”?

Where do you need to let go and let God be who He will be?

Baby steps my child
To you it may be nothing, but you make daddy proud
Your weakness is only my strength
I know you’ve got your question
But I’m closer than you think I promise

Oh I won’t let go, I won’t let go
I see you right where you are
I’m holding on to your heart

You’ve been here all this time
Tell me where have I been looking ’cause You weren’t hard to find
Mercy opened my eyes
Now I’m losing my religion to be loved like a child
I promise, I promise

– “Real Thing”(Maverick City)

Something Beautiful

This summer most things were shut down and after finishing my first year in college, I wanted to do something adventurous and spontaneous so my best friend Jack and I took a road trip to South Dakota. It was a blast and probably one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. It was our first summer as somewhat independent and we wanted to go explore.

We made the long drive in one day and left at the crack of dawn on our way to Badlands National Park. The drive was long and tiring but we were excited to see the new sights and mark something else off of our list of travelling the world. We arrived there and quickly set up camp in anticipation of beautiful sights and unexplored wildernesses. After a good night of rest and taking the sunset in, we went to bed early in preparation for the sunrise and a morning of hiking.

In the week that we were gone, we found our way through the Badlands, Custer State Park, and Mount Rushmore. All of these displayed beauty in many different ways but nonetheless unchallenged majesty. Along our trip we also met people all around the world, with different stories and backgrounds, unique destinations and a variety of journeys. Something that stood out to me was how similar this is to the body of the church. I know it seems a bit unparalleled but let me explain.

I think we can all agree that the universal body of the church consists of many different kinds of people, all from different places with different stories and histories, but the reason that a variety of people flock to the church is because of their fascination with beauty. It is something that has always captured our attention. Some of us are the type of people to stop and smell the roses, or pull the car over to see the sunset, or even take a picture of food that we are proud to have made. Humans have an extraordinary sense to find beauty in the smallest things and when we do, most of us stop and look at it.

The places we visited contained a physical beauty that attracted people all around the world to come and visit, purely because of the way it made people feel. The church is the same way. No matter who we are and where we come from, we come to see something beautiful, to feel something wonderful and perfect. We come to see glory. We come to feel love.

No matter how ugly this world can get, God can make beauty out of anything, because of His redemptive grace. If God can redeem a wretch like me and save me from my own vices, then He can make the ugliest thing into the most beautiful thing. This is why we come to Him, because a part of us knows our sinful nature and wants to be redeemed, to become who we were meant to be.

The glory of God proclaims beauty throughout the universe, we just have to stop in the rat race of our lives to listen. Although the journey through life becomes stressful and filled with anxiety, we must not rush through it and forget about the beauty in between. We are drawn to the majesty of God, do not disregard the fascination of your soul. God offers rest from the aching world in His loving arms, no matter who you are and where you are from, because He is Love and that is the most beautiful thing in the world.

What is something you find beautiful? In the world, in others, in yourself?

What is something that you find ugly that God can redeem?

What is something that you need God’s eyes to see beauty in?

This is my desire
Consume me like a fire, ’cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I’m in reach
‘Cause I am down on my knees, I’m waiting for something beautiful–NeedToBreathe

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