Faith has always been a huge part of my life and I have never really seen my life without it. I have struggled with it in the past and have had my own doubts to wrestle with, but recently with the extra time that I have had to myself I have grown restless, letting my doubts and fears overcome my often-relaxed mind. I have had quite a lot of time to think over the past few days of socially distancing myself from the rest of society, and as they say, a wandering mind is the worst prison.
I am someone who tends to overthink quite a bit. If you do not know me or know me very little that is probably something new, but if you know me well, you know that it is an everyday occurrence for me. My personality tends to revolve around feelings and how someone else feels is always a top priority for me. So, with that in mind, I tend to overthink every interaction that I have had with people throughout the day, often wondering if I said the right thing, or if I offended that person, or if I could have given a little more. Bottom line is, my biggest struggle and insecurity is that I am not enough.
We all struggle with not feeling enough and we voice our need for help or validation in many different ways. We don’t often know how to cope with this feeling of insecurity, so we put our identity elsewhere. Most of us, like myself tend to put our identity within other things like academics, sports, reputation, popularity, musicality, comparisons, or anything that is worth comparing. We strive to be loved for who we are. I tend to put my identity in who I am to others. I want to be the person involved and included in everything, always wanting the person to be there to help, and often suffering from FOMO (fear of missing out). I have my own Messiah complex and thankfully God has been tearing it down for quite some time.
As this slow week has progressed, the insecurity that has crossed my mind recently is that I am not enough for God, that simply, if life were to end right now, I would not be standing by His side. I often tend to think about my faith in this matter of not feeling “Christian” enough and being scared that even though my actions and words may follow the path less travelled, that my heart isn’t truly there.
As this has been heavy on my heart, filling me with anxiety and worry, I have yet again been surprised by the friends that God has blessed me with in my life. Jack, always the brother I need, assuring me that we are supposed to be broken, we are not supposed to be enough because that’s what makes it beautiful. Grace should fill the gaps of our brokenness. His grace is sufficient for us. His grace makes us enough for Him.
God is enough for us. We should always lean on Him whenever we are wrestling with our doubt. We should see where God is within our lives and run to Him, sometimes meaning that we need to take a break from everything busy in our lives and focus on what really matters. Another friend of mine, Isabella, reminded me that in the valleys of our faith, when we feel worn and weary, it is important to take it back to the basics. We need the reminder that faith really is not as complicated as we make it be sometimes.
Faith is simply: God loves me. He gave himself for me, and because of His sacrifice for my sins, I give my life to someone who can use it better than I. It is trust.
There is hope in every valley, a sunrise in every night. When anxiety and fears cloud your heart bringing out the demons and insecurities that you keep inside, Jesus is there holding you. Because He loves you. Because you are His.
I heard a song couple years ago sung by my church choir and the lyrics said,
“I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining,
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it,
I believe in God even when He is silent”.
So often do I take God for granted, and every time that I feel that He is not there I fail to lean on Him. Sometimes when I am feeling insecure, God does not give me the answer that I am wanting, in the way that I am wanting. Sometimes when I am on my knees, searching for God I forget that He is always there with me, even when I do not see Him.
“Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory”-1 Peter 1:8
God is always around us, weaving Himself into our lives constantly. Whenever insecurities find their way into our mind and the devil knocks on the door, God is there to comfort us and to let us know that we are enough. We do not need to see Him to love Him, but we can see Him alive in others, alive in the world, and alive in ourselves. He is always with us, holding our hand, even when we ask, “Jesus, where are you? Am I right beside you?” He is shouting,
“I’m right beside you! I feel what you feel!
And I’m here to hold you when death is too real!
You know, I died, too! I was terrified!
I gave myself for you! I was crucified
Because I love you! I love you, child!” -Kings Kaleidoscope
If we never doubted our faith, how would we learn to lean on something that is greater than us. Some doubts can be healthy in our lives. It challenges us to confront the hard questions in our faith that our hearts wrestle with from time to time. Healthy doubt bring us closer to God, because a faith without doubt does not grow. No one knows everything about God, but that’s something that makes Him just more beautiful.
When I look and see how I have doubted God or my faith in the past, and even now, I only see how God has led me through those trials by blessing me with Christ-like people within my lives, His scripture, prayer, and even His beautiful creation. Nothing is strong enough to take me from the love of God.
Seek God. Seek His coming kingdom. Strive to know Him and make Him known, through all the hills and valleys. No matter how hard life gets, no matter how hard fear and doubt hits you, keep being a Christian.
What causes you to be anxious? What makes you lose sleep at night?
How can you lean more on God? Especially in the valleys of your faith?
How can you seek His kingdom more?
“The fact that our heart yearns for something Earth can’t supply is proof that Heaven must be our home.” -C.S. Lewis
“On the eve of the cross, Jesus made his decision. He would rather go to hell for you than go to heaven without you. And the Angels Were Silent.” -Max Lucado
The Looking Glass Blog 